Barely Breathing
by romanysue
Summary: Bella and Edward meet at high school. It doesn't go well. Can they move past the hostility, shyness and deep issues? Can they find a future together? AH. Rated M for language, drug use and sex.
1. Chapter 1

**_All recognised characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer_**

**_No disrespect or copyright infringement is intended_**

**BPOV**

It had not been as easy move. This small seaside town did not resemble what I was used to; London, busy and bustling, full of life. So easy to hide, no one to bother you if you were a bit quiet and kept to yourself, no one gave a fuck, they had enough of their own shit to deal with.

Suited me just fine, that's how I liked to live, giving nothing away, blending into the background. Head down, quietly doing my own thing, working towards my secretly held ambitions.

Until my parents divorce that is and the nuclear fallout that followed. My mother's affair shattering my life.....and of course my father's too, but hey, I was seventeen and all I could think about was my pain; how it affected me.

And so it happened that my mother, Renee, went off travelling with her new man; no room apparently for her only child. I followed my dad, Charlie who struggled to pick up the pieces. We moved to the South Coast to be near his oldest friend Billy so he could attempt to rebuild his life. With a daughter he didn't know how to console.

That was how I ended up starting at a new fucking school, three weeks into the new term, the final school year for me until I would sit my exams, the fucking exams that were crucial to me getting a place at university. I would have to work my arse off as the syllabus was not entirely the same; _no pressure then Bella._

Of course, everyone had established friends, cliques, all that shit. Hell, they had known each other virtually all their lives. They were not about to let a newbie in but were happy to dig around for whatever gossip they could find on me. Fucking small town mentality. I sucked it up, kept my head down and kept my eye on the prize; escape. I knew I could do it. Just one year and I could disappear to whatever university I wanted, far away from here, disappear into the crowd again.

Salvation came in the form of Jacob; Billy's son. My age, in most of my classes, my only friend in those rough first months. Exactly what I needed; I learned to trust him. By association, I was eventually considered worthy of acceptance, even making a tentative female friendship with Angela. She helped steer me through the minefield that I didn't understand - oestrogen riddled angst.

Jacob became more than my friend, he was my first boyfriend, my safe haven. Warmth and understanding. Persistently keeping at bay the unwanted attention of a few other guys who were now, inexplicably interested in me simply because we were a couple. I didn't even try to understand this complicated set of unwritten, male, rules. I could barely navigate the female shit.

Having him to turn to made it bearable when I suffered the humiliation that was Edward Cullen. Too beautiful by any standards, certainly too fucking beautiful to be a guy. And didn't he know it, the cocky, arrogant, way too fucking intelligent, prat. In my English class I sat in the only available seat; next to him. I knew immediately that this would a joyless, painful experience. No good would emerge from this. Rude to a fault, he never let up, always sniping, digging, cruel teasing, always taking it one step too far until he had achieved his goal; my furious blush and fucking tears pricking at my eyes. He wanted me to give in, move seats, move class, but how could he know I was made of stronger stuff than that? At first I would retaliate, tell him what a juvenile, immature fucker he was, but he thrived on this, his eyes sparking with delight at my reaction.

I quickly learned not to respond, keeping my head down, hair covering my face, effectively blocking him out. Not telling anyone what was happening. I felt powerful but defeated all at the same time. I kept reminding myself of my goals – only one more year of this.

Watching him around the school from a safe distance was distracting in the extreme as somewhere deep within me; _I_ _wanted_ _him_ _to_ _like_ _me_. I yearned for him, yearned for his acceptance and approval, yearned for his adoration. I wanted him and I knew he was way out of my league. I hated myself for feeling this way.

I saw him with his sister, Alice, at lunchtimes; I could see then the human in him that he fought to hide. The tiny almost unperceivable gestures of affection he bestowed on her. Sometimes he would catch my stare before I had a chance to look away, angry at me for having glimpsed this side of him, his glare mocking; as if he knew I wanted him and he would never stoop so low.

Hell, all the girls wanted him and he had his pick, whenever the fuck he wanted. Dumping them unceremoniously, like rubbish, when he'd had his fill. There was always a willing queue. I never joined it.

I chose to map out my future with Jacob. He was attractive, happy, carefree, loyal and protective. Most importantly he loved me, he was devoted to me, he made no demands of me. He was what I needed, even if he wasn't what I wanted.

We shared our first time together. Gentle and loving, sweet and tender. I couldn't match his passion but he was patient. I cried afterwards and he kissed my tears away, believing they were happy tears, overwhelmed at this monumentous event. I let him believe that lie but I knew the truth and had to live with it. The entire time, I had the image of Edward Cullen burned behind my closed eyes and I was truly ashamed.

* * *

**EPOV**

I didn't fit into this shithole. I knew it and so did everyone else. I had plans, big plans for my life and they didn't include, at any point, this fucking small town. I had to be here for one more year, until I reached the magical age of consent; eighteen. Why my parents chose this fuck up of a place I'll never know. They could afford to live anywhere; my dad was a doctor, very high up, very well respected and could take his pick of jobs. My mum stayed at home and did whatever the hell stay at home mums do. They both believed that raising kids out of the cities and larger towns was the way to go. They also both knew that those places were exactly where I was headed once I was old enough.

Oh well, they would still have Alice, my twin, she would never stray too far, would be the child that could fulfill their dream. The dream they had when they adopted both of us when we were seven. I had pretty much shattered that dream for them; never let them in even the tiniest amount. Even so, they loved me totally and completely, never demanding anything from me, always giving. Alice was the only one who I let in, who I gave any part of myself to, willingly. She was sweet and good and I knew I would fucking kill anyone if they made the mistake of hurting her. She never judged me even though she couldn't understand how I _couldn't_ love Carlisle and Esme; after all, they were genuinely good people. On top of their love and attention, they gave us everything we could ever need. I knew full well I was disappointing them but I couldn't even find it in myself to pretend or even care.

I knew exactly how attractive I was, Christ, it's not like I could take any credit for that piece of human nature that was beyond my control. What I chose to do with this unexpected blessing _was_ totally in my control however. I had girls hanging off me; following me around, most of them were a fucking pain in the arse. I was very picky about who I allowed near me, who I fucked. I never had a girlfriend, didn't want or need that truckload of shit in my life. The second they got whiny or made even the tiniest demand of me, I kicked them to the curb with distaste and moved on to the next one. I got off on these small moments, could almost hear the buzz of anticipation from the stupid bitches that were desperate to take their turn, actually believing that they would be _the one. _It seemed the more obnoxious I was, the harder they would try and compensate. It was a game, played by my rules. Rules I changed all the time, they could never win.

The guys, for the most part, left me well alone. Couldn't work out how to deal with me, why I was so aloof, why I didn't want to join in their pointless blokey shit. Threatened by my obvious superiority with schoolwork and girls. I reveled in this, loved how it set me apart. Idiotic fuckers.

I was unhappy, I was an empty shell. I knew these things, I wasn't stupid. I knew it stemmed from my adoption, the rejection from my birth parents. I chose not to deal with it, to lock it away, deeper with each passing year of my life.

The new girl. Isabella fucking Swan. The school, having sod all else to focus on, was buzzing with talk of her. Even Alice said something about her at lunch, said she seemed sweet. _Whatever_. I would find out soon enough and once I had a read on her, I might even deign to let her ride my dick. I felt oddly disappointed when she didn't show at lunch but quickly reined that shitty train of thought in. Fuck, I had been in this small town too long, didn't want to be like the rabble.

She came under my radar in English, had to take the only available seat which, lucky for her, was next to me. Fuck if she wasn't pretty, tiny frame, long wavy brown hair, big brown eyes and full pink lips. _Pretty! What is up with you Cullen? Why don't you just go and ask Alice if you can watch 'America's next Top Model' with her? Twat._

She tried to be polite and friendly, even though I knew this was difficult for her. She was naturally shy. I made her life hell, baiting her mercilessly, ripping the piss out of her, putting her down. Doing anything to get a rise, see that blush, imagining how it looked all over her tight little body. After a few initial, but somewhat lame attempts at retaliation, she simply gave up and shut right down. I saw the defeat, the humiliation, her tear filled eyes and I was stunned as it didn't feed me the way it should. The way it usually did. Sometimes I even.....felt.....bad? Even through all this shit, I was sure I felt something from her; she must want me.....right? I never gave up, took to watching her whenever I could, watched as she gradually made a couple of lame friends, watched as the bitchy girls refused to let her in, watched as Mike, Tyler and Eric made supremely unsuccessful moves on her, watched as Jacob morphed from being her friend into her _fucking boyfriend....._

I thought briefly that I was going insane as I waited for her to somehow offer herself to me, but that day never came. I saw her watching me; watching the constant stream of girls come and go. I felt her disapproval, her utter distaste; it was written all over her. It would be a cold day in hell before I made the first move. I stopped waiting for her when I realised that she had done the deed with Jacob. I knew the signs. In that act she had crushed me, but no one would ever know, apart from Alice. I took some small comfort in the fact that Jacob would look after her, try and keep her safe. And then I shut right down, never even acknowledging her presence at school again.

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	2. Chapter 2

**_All recognised characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer_**

**_No disrespect or copyright infringement is intended_**

**BPOV**

I had fulfilled my goal of getting to university. I never doubted it. I wanted to escape too much. After three years of university, in the centre of London, my degree in journalism had led me to a succession of shitty jobs before I landed a break. I was now a twenty five year old, highly successful woman, working for the biggest selling daily paper. I had shed blood sweat and tears working my way up and earned every penny of my large fucking salary. Head of the entertainment section, I focused on music, leaving my staff to cover whatever crap I didn't want to do. I was a hard taskmaster, a world away from the shy, seventeen year old Bella Swan.

Bella Swan, who rarely returned home to see her father; couldn't deal with the pain still clearly etched on his face from his failed marriage.

Bella Swan, who never spoke to her mother, ignored all her calls and wished she would just give up already.

Bella Swan, who had split with Jacob to take up her university place, not wanting to commit to a long distance relationship and definitely not wanting to study nearer to home as Jacob had.

Bella Swan who had broken Jacob's heart absolutely and completely. Knew it was wrong, knew he didn't deserve it and knew it had caused a huge rift between Billy and Charlie. Billy understandably angry with me, Charlie secretly agreeing with him but not able to side against me.

Today's Bella Swan had long since shut her emotions off and concentrated on work. Following the cliché: _Work hard – Play harder._

Today's Bella Swan dated occasionally, usually only when she needed a quick release or a date for an industry event. I only ever chose guys I knew were commitment phobic and dropped them like a hot potato if they even _hinted_ at wanting more than dinner, drinks, a fuck. I remained aloof, never getting involved, remaining in control of the situation; calling the shots.

I was aware that something was missing, something was wrong with me. I felt empty at night when I was alone but I had no idea how to deal with it, where to begin.....so I just didn't. Even my dreams were out of focus and confused.

I filled every minute of my day. All I did was work, more work, go to the gym, party, date, read, write and avoid my parents.

I still had a tenuous link with Angela, usually via Christmas cards and sporadic emails, but for some reason I couldn't give this up. She had been with Ben since school and they were now living together, apparently happy. I absorbed some of this happiness through our small amount of contact. She knew the real me underneath all the bullshit, but she never called me on it, remaining the one true friend in my life. I knew I didn't deserve her.

I was given a heads up at some industry event of an up and coming musician who apparently was making big waves in the music business. Writing for some decent artists, he had achieved a remarkable amount of success and was becoming highly sought after. I knew I had to interview him, do a piece on him. I felt my spine freeze when I heard his name.

_Edward Cullen........._fuck.

It could be _any_ Edward Cullen right? It might not even be him - but of course it was.

I could do this, I _would_ do this. I did do this obviously.

My photographer did a photo shoot ahead of my interview. I poured over each shot, devouring every detail. Fuck, he was still drop dead gorgeous. But now, the odds were more in my favour, as I was hot too and at last, I knew it.

On the day of the interview, I dressed in a killer outfit which showed off my gym toned body to perfection, all the colours did the right things for my skin tone. Make up understated and perfect. Hair teased into glorious soft waves at shocking expense by a top salon. Everything that could be, was plucked, tweezed, waxed and manicured. All finished off with my favourite and highly expensive perfume. I felt as good as I looked.

I was ready to nail that bastard. Revenge was calling me, hard.

I almost pissed my pants with pleasure as I watched his reaction when he saw me, when he realised who I was, when he registered how fucking good I looked. I knew I had shaken him but I was professional, cool and offhand. All the time doing everything I could with my body to show him what he had missed out on, what he would never have. He wanted me. That power fed me.

I had done my research and prepared thoroughly for this meeting. Wanting to trip him up, find fault and criticize. I was not prepared for what I found.

A very different Edward Cullen was sitting in front of me. Quieter, thoughtful, insightful, intelligent, well read.....sensitive even? Highly talented definitely. This threw me and I had to regain the upper hand in some bizarre competition that only I knew about.

He tried to engage me in conversation about our schooldays, indicating that he remembered me. At one point, he actually started to apologise for his behaviour back then; wanted to explain. Could he take me for a drink or dinner? _'Please'_ he said, sincerely.

I cut off this line of conversation sharply, my eyes momentarily firing sparks of fury at him before I rapidly got myself together and wrapped up the interview.

He looked crestfallen and confused, but it wasn't enough. That fucker made my life hell – for a year. I began to flirt outrageously with a random music exec there, much to the twat's obvious surprise. He was a complete douche but so easy to play in my twisted game. Edward watched with mounting disbelief and not a small amount of hurt as I arranged to go for drinks with the other guy.

I didn't even shake hands with Edward as I left, but looked back almost as an afterthought as I left the room, the exec's hand brushing my arse. Edward's face was ashen and he mouthed a silent '_I'm sorry Isabella, please don't.....' _before I turned away sharply, feeling cheap and nasty.

I didn't feel victorious. I didn't feel like I had gained my revenge. I felt.....bad.....ashamed. I had hurt him and it hadn't felt good. I didn't know what to do with this knowledge, my stomach sank and lurched. I swallowed it down.

I had never got over him.

* * *

**EPOV**

The last eight years had seen a huge amount of changes in my life. Sadly, not all of them quick. I had breezed through the last year of school, passing my exams with ease, _obviously_. With my parents' full support and encouragement, I went off to study for a music degree; in Nottingham of all places. Everyone thought it was an odd choice but I wanted, _needed_ to get away; right away. I had shut down totally to Bella, the only way I could cope, it was all I knew. Eventually, using my very own brand of fucked up logic; I managed to persuade myself that it was for the best.

The three years I spent studying at university were an eye opener. I knew it was hard for my parents and Alice when I left, but after a while, even they could see that it was a good decision.

Being away from of my family was a refreshing wake up call. I knew I would miss Alice (who as expected had stayed near home) and we maintained our closeness by constantly phoning, texting and emailing each other.

I had no idea how much, if at all, I would miss my parents and that was the shocker. Being away from them finally made me appreciate everything they had ever done for me, everything they still did for me and would continue to do, willingly, never asking for anything in return. Unconditional love.

One of my tutors that I got along really well with, let slip in a conversation that he was adopted and this was the catalyst for me. We had a few confidential chats and this eventually led to me seeking out counselling, finally confiding in someone other than Alice and revealing parts of myself, piece by painful piece, that I had never let surface before.

During a visit from my parents towards the end of my course, I had a difficult and awkward heart to heart with them, spilling my guts, apologising and thanking them for everything. They just held me, loved me as they always had and we moved on. A very different Edward Cullen emerged at the end of the university course. I moved to London, to try and break into the music industry.

Through sheer hard work, persistence and not a little luck, I managed to get some of my music accepted by recording studios for various artists. After a couple of moderate successes, I gradually began to make a name for myself within the industry and achieve a small level of fame. I had made my first million by the time my twenty fifth birthday came around.

I was no longer a cocky little shit. I was far more reflective, quieter; tapping into deeper parts of myself artistically.

I dated occasionally, tried to be a decent guy but my heart was never in it. I never found 'the one' and knew deep down that this was because I had fucked up royally when I was seventeen and missed that chance.

Yes, I still thought about Bella, traced my dating issues back to her, often looked back with a mixture of regret and longing. I threw myself into my music, kept busy, desperately trying to make her a distant, less painful memory. I even managed to (almost) convince myself that one day I would be able to reminisce about her with fondness, see her as a schoolboy crush and no more. I had no contact with anyone from high school so I had no idea of what she was doing. I didn't want to ask Alice to find out either. I was a pussy; I didn't want to hear that she was married, probably to Jacob, with a bunch of kids.

I had a series of interviews arranged, expressly designed to push me forward even further. I was a little uncomfortable about it but knew it was a necessary part of the business. My heart almost stopped in my chest when I saw that one of them was with a.....

_Bella Swan.......Fuck me._

Could it be the same Bella? I grilled the photographer that had been sent in advance of the interview and I was fairly convinced that it was, in fact, her. From what I gathered, she had done very well for herself, carved out a successful career.

And wasn't married.

I was not prepared for the person that walked through the door that day. I was shaken to the core. This was not the Isabella Swan I remembered, that shy little teen; soft, blushing and on the verge of tears as I mercilessly tormented her, doing anything to make her notice me, react to me.

This Bella Swan was a smokin' hot, sex on legs, wet dream, striding in on _fuck_ _me_ shoes. My cock reacted involuntarily, twitching to life with a force I hadn't felt in years. She looked the same but was another version of herself, obviously gym toned and highly maintained.

I saw a flash of teen Bella for the briefest of seconds, a tiny blush escaping before she reined it in and introduced me to the new confident, professional, in control, hard as fucking nails, Bella. It was weird. My heart lurched knowing that I had contributed, at least in part, to this radical makeover.

She kept the interview on track and was well prepared, rarely giving me a chance to deviate off topic. Eventually, I made a poor attempt at talking about school, tried to apologise, stuttered out a vague invitation to take her out so we could talk. I wanted the chance to make things right. She fucked me over in a nanosecond, shot me down in the flames clearly visible in her eyes.

Flirting with James for my benefit, he almost came in his trousers when she agreed to go for a drink with him. I knew what she was doing but it cut me to the core just the same. Even though I knew I fucking deserved it.

I mouthed a last desperate plea to her as she left, his hand on her arse. I caught one last flash of real Bella before she walked out of my life.

I had never got over her.

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	3. Chapter 3

**_All recognised characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer_**

**_No disrespect or copyright infringement is intended_**

**BPOV**

I had changed a great deal in the last three years and my twenty eighth birthday found me soul searching like never before. I looked at Angela's life with Ben with no small amount of envy. They were married and happy. When I could cope with it, I even met up with her occasionally.

My empty place, my home that wasn't much like a home, was too much to bear for any length of time. So I didn't.

I still worked like a maniac, my career blossoming, but I had no one to share it with. Also I was becoming increasingly jaded with my job, the lifestyle, the partying.

I still exercised obsessively. Still read widely, still wrote if I had any good ideas, never doing anything with it, just storing it all on my computer.

I tried to see my dad from time to time, even tried to talk to my mother once or twice. It didn't go well.

Still dated occasionally. Once, in a fit of indulgence, I actually tried to make a go of it, do the whole relationship thing with a guy I met, Seth. I got hurt, fucking badly. He cheated on me and it took me a long time to move on from that. I knew I wanted what Angela and Ben had, but wasn't able to find the strength to search for it. I also felt, deep within me, that there _was _no one out there for me. Every time I opened up it seemed I either caused hurt or got hurt.

I would often remember, both awake and asleep, Edward. But his memory was always accompanied by regret. Every memory I had of him was tainted in some way. For a brief time after that meeting three years ago, I even followed his career a little too obsessively. He had gone from strength to strength, deserved every part of his success. His musical fame began to spread into the realms of celebrity and he was rarely pictured without a generically beautiful woman on his arm. I thought that I could see more of 'seventeen year old' Edward Cullen emerging. So I was right then, leopards and their spots and all that shit.

Just a shame it didn't make me feel any better about dismissing him.

I even saw him once or twice at industry parties, always from a distance. I couldn't have got near him even if I'd tried. He was surrounded by swarms of people desperate to be touched by his success, to somehow bask in his reflected glory. Thus feeding his desire to be the centre of attention, the arrogance rolling off him in waves.

I stopped looking out for him when I began to notice that more and more he had the same woman pictured with him; Tanya, a highly successful vocalist. And stunningly beautiful. They made a picture perfect couple. They made my fucking heart bleed.

Once, at an event, we briefly locked eyes. I saw the recognition, his gaze burning into me, stopping me dead in my tracks, my heart thumping. I saw.....something.....a spark, I don't know, he was too far away. The moment over far too soon as Tanya returned to his side, draping a possessive hand on him for the benefit of the women flocking around.

He snapped back to the present, I could see him shut down, shut off, his body language clear. Knowing I was watching, he pulled her to him, shot me a cold look and deliberately turned away.

I left, got the fuck out of there and went home, hurting badly. I cried so much that weekend that I could barely open my eyes. I didn't even understand what exactly I was crying for. On some level I knew it must be loss, but loss of what? I never had anything with him in the first place. Sad bitch that apparently I was, I even phoned Jacob in desperation - _Jacob! –_ trying to find some small amount of familiar comfort.

Quite rightly, his angry _'Fuck you Bella' _was the very least I deserved.

I sucked it up. Curled up in a tight ball and cried some more.

Monday morning I told everyone at work that I had suffered an allergic reaction. This was why my face was so swollen. They knew better than to question me and left me the fuck alone.

I made an appointment with a counsellor at long last, knowing I needed help. Could no longer do this on my own. Being this fucked up was now becoming exhausting.

* * *

**EPOV**

I was busier than ever. The last three years had been manic. I was immersed deeply into the music industry now and it was a harsh place to be. Arrogant, confident, Edward had to come out to play far more often now in order to survive.

My real self only emerged when I was alone, writing. This sensitive side was the only part of me capable of producing the goods.

It was gradually becoming harder and harder to switch one off and turn the other on. I struggled to find a way to do this so I took the easy way. I did speed, coke and downers; lots of it. It was ridiculously easy to get hold of and apparently, ridiculously easy to become an addict. A mess of a person. That's where I found myself when I was twenty eight.

When my family was still so supportive and loving, when Alice was happily married with children, I was flushing my life away. They had suspicions that something was wrong so I shut myself off more and more, citing my heavy workload.

Using my new, skewed sense of perception and logic, I realised that seventeen year old Edward had been right all along. My drug addled brain could see the absolute truth in becoming like him again, it was safe and familiar, like slipping on comfortable clothes. But a comfort that hurt like a bitch all at the same time.

Routinely nailing loads of random, faceless women softened the blow somewhat. I didn't care what they looked like at first but soon found that increasingly, I was chasing the same type. Women that reminded me of Bella. It upset me at first, then I just got angry. At Bella - at me - at the women.

I started dating Tanya after she threw herself at me at some awards show. I was as high as a kite but even through that haze I could see she was stunning. Tall, slender, blonde, harsh features. Fake tan and tits. Drug habit to rival mine. She was perfect for me, she was the polar opposite of Bella and exactly what I needed. It didn't matter that she wasn't what I _wanted. _I would forget Bella.

When I wasn't too buzzed I would occasionally spot Bella at events, never getting close enough to talk to her. Painful pleasure. Before I became too wrecked I had followed her career for a while, trying to pluck up the courage to contact her, write to her, anything. I never did. She had done well, she deserved it. I hated her for it, for everything, but mainly for invading my mind and refusing to leave.

We saw each other at an industry event and caught each others gaze. It freaked me out big time. In the few seconds our eyes met, I saw something had changed in her.....she looked softer, sad. Did I see longing.....hope? I was so fucked up I could barely stand, let alone read her properly. Everything around me seemed to dull, but I like to think it wasn't only due to the drugs fucking with me.

Tanya came back from doing a line of coke in the bathroom. Moment over, reality check. I switched off and I knew Bella noticed. Just like I knew she noticed when, for her benefit I pulled Tanya to me possessively. Showing Tanya rare affection, even if it was fake. My gaze cold and hard, I turned away. I was disgusted with myself and what I had become. I knew Bella would see through me and I couldn't deal with that.

I didn't turn away quickly enough to miss the hurt and anguish on her face. Didn't turn away quickly enough to miss her leaving in a hurry.

I dragged Tanya off to the toilets, snorted some more coke and fucked her like an animal. _Classy._

I couldn't come, the coke had seen to that so I left Tanya there, and fucked off home, alone, where I was finally able to find release.

Thinking of Bella.

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	4. Chapter 4

**_All recognised characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer_**

**_No disrespect or copyright infringement is intended_**

**BPOV**

I enjoyed my thirtieth birthday more than any other birthday I could recall. I took the week off work, had some pampering at a fancy spa and spent time with my family and friends.

I had spent the last two years pulling my life together into some sort of manageable order. Counselling had helped me find some sort of perspective.

I was closer to my dad now. Admittedly, the situation made easier as he had finally moved on with another woman, Kate. I liked her a lot and she was good for Charlie.

I had managed to repair some bridges with my mother and we had occasional contact. Nothing too deep, but it was okay and I felt I could live with what we had.

I saw Angela and Ben much more now; they had two beautiful, energetic kids. Ang and I would meet for coffee sometimes, have the occasional girl's night or I would have dinner at their house. I frequently offered to babysit and they would thank me profusely, almost snatching at my offer so they could escape for a few precious hours. I got the better deal out of it though. I loved looking after their boys; playing, singing, laughing and reading to them. I soaked it up as I knew the chances of me having this were slim.

I simplified my life. I managed to arrange working from home a couple of days a week and when I did go in, I always stuck to my scheduled hours and no more. I never attended any industry events, instead sending along someone from my staff. I didn't give them everything anymore.

I still went to the gym, I needed this release and, hey, at least that shit was healthy.

I read a lot, watched films that I had always wanted to see, had my flat redecorated and cleared out a shit load of clutter.

I still kept banging away with my writing. I also organised everything I had already done and put together various 'novels' with the eventual intention of trying to get something published.

I had long since decided to just leave my love life well alone and see what happened. I didn't want to force anything. But I knew, felt, deep down, that I had already found my 'someone' and had missed the boat.

I managed, for the most part, to stop thinking about Edward, hadn't heard about him for some time within the industry – and I didn't ask. If in the course of my job I had to cover his work, I always got someone else to do it. I still found it painful if I allowed myself to wonder if he was happy, married, or had kids by now.

I couldn't say, with any honesty that I was truly happy at this stage of my life, but equally, I wasn't _unhappy_ anymore. More at ease with myself at least.

On one of my 'work from home' days, I got up early and jogged to the gym. _Yes, jogged to the gym. _Crazy, I know, but it made some bizarre sense to me. I forced myself through a hard workout and left to walk home. I was still in my sweaty clothes, intending to do some housework, shower and spend the afternoon working.

Part of my return journey took me past the local park. It was a nice day and even though it was still fairly early, there were quite a few people in there. Dog walkers, joggers, parents with their kids on bikes and on the swings.

Among them was Alice Cullen.

With two children.

In the kids play area.

_Edward Cullen's sister. _Alice Cullen.

I stopped in my tracks and for a second I couldn't breathe.

Then I pulled myself together, _for fuck's sake Bella, it doesn't mean a thing, it's just his sister._

Or.....maybe I was mistaken, I hadn't seen her for thirteen years for god's sake! Yes that was it, I kept moving, shaking my head at myself with disdain.

"Hey Bella! Bella!.....It _is_ you isn't it?"

Okay, so it _was_ Alice Cullen. Edward Cullen's sister. Fuck.

"Er, yeah.....hey! How are you?" I told myself I could do this, I was an adult. I would just exchange pleasantries and go off on my way.

That didn't happen. Well we _did_ exchange pleasantries but I had forgotten how chirpy she was. I ended up in the park with her. I apologised for my sweaty appearance. We sat on a bench and watched her kids while they played. Emily and Alec; they were adorable.

She talked and talked. I listened and talked a little, keeping it very neutral. Both of us skillfully ignoring the elephant on the bench between us.

It turned out she had recently moved into the area. Her husband had taken a new job in London. Edward was living with them.

"I'm sorry.....what?!"

"I said Edward is living with us at the moment.....he hasn't been well....."

I felt my chest constrict when she said this, my face drained of all colour and I wanted to vomit. She saw the look of panic on my face.

"Oh, he's much better now. He.....just needed a place to stay for a bit.....while he recuperated. He'll probably be moving out soon."

I was shaken but somewhat relieved by her vague explanation. She played the guilt card, claiming not to know anyone around here and somehow we ended up swapping phone numbers and addresses. She was wasted as a stay at home mother. She should be an interrogator.

Finally, citing work as an excuse, I rose to leave.

"Please stay in touch Bella."

"Is he married?" It blurted out of my mouth before I could stop it.

"No, he's never married."

"Tanya? Children?" _Oh god. Shut up already!_

"They split a year ago, he's single. No children."

"Bye Alice."

I walked home, confusion coursing through me; along with something else.....hope?

* * *

**EPOV**

This last year had been hard. The drugs had finally become too much. Tanya had definitely become too much. I had become too much. I hit rock bottom and didn't like it. I finally strapped on a pair and took responsibility. Drugs and Tanya were out of my life but not before I had snorted, smoked, swallowed and frittered away a fucking fortune from my bank account. I had been spending money like water.

The one good thing I _did_ swallow was my pride; I went home to my parents, confessing everything. My dad got me into rehab and helped me sort out my finances. My mum was a pillar of loving support and encouragement. Alice, well she was just Alice; solid, dependable and loyal. They continued to love me.

I sold my London place and stopped working for several months while I concentrated hard on getting clean and sober. It was neither easy nor pleasant. Not by a fucking long shot. I still attended regular therapy sessions to keep on top of it.

As part of my recovery, I moved in with Alice and her family as a step towards living alone again. She was now in London and if I was to return to work, I really needed to be there too. I just wasn't ready to go straight from the quiet of my parents, to the chaos of London in one step. I was a thirty year old man having to take baby steps.

I felt I was doing pretty well, had begun to work a little. This time having the least amount of contact that was practical with the record companies and studios. Fortunately, my name was well known enough for people to trust me and I often just wrote stuff and had it couriered over. It wouldn't work long term but it was okay for now.

I hadn't dated at all since Tanya. I had been tested and thankfully my dick wasn't about to fall off and all my blood tests were negative. I knew I had been lucky, knew that there were only so many chances we were given in life. I couldn't and wouldn't fuck up again.

I still thought of Bella, reflected on every possible scenario. I fervently hoped she wouldn't always be a sad memory. I hoped she was happy.....the sick fuck in me however, hoped she was unhappily pining for me. I frequently thought of contacting her, and then thought better of it, always finding more than one reason not to. I knew I wouldn't be able to cope if I found out she was married with kids.

Staying with Alice had been wonderful; I had been able to spend a great deal of time with her kids and tried to make up for the fact that, up until very recently, I had been a shitty uncle. She had even let my piano and guitars temporarily take over her dining room so I could compose and write. Alice and I had many heart to hearts and we were good, no long term damage. Her husband Jasper was a great guy and didn't seem to mind me being there, but I tried hard to give them space. I frequently babysat for them, desperate to offer something in return for their kindness. I tried to remain hopeful that one day I would at last find happiness.

I had been getting restless lately for my own space and knew that very soon I would need to move out on my own. I was equal parts excited and scared shitless.

I was searching local estate agents online, just getting a feel for what was available, thinking about possible locations, when Alice returned home with Emily and Alec.

The kids came bounding into the kitchen where I was installed at the table with my laptop. In-between their excited chattering about the park, they told me Alice had been talking to a lady called Bella.

My head snapped up to Alice. My heart lurched inside my chest. My mouth dropped open in shock.

Alice stood stock still, her face giving nothing away as she casually mentioned that they had exchanges phone numbers and addresses. Apparently Bella lived a short distance away. Had been so close all the time I had been staying here.

I felt.....excited.....hopeful. Then I sharply reminded myself of our last encounter and I felt the shame and disgust wash over me.

* * *

**2 Hours Later - EPOV**

I took Emily and Alec off to play the piano, trying to take my mind off hearing about Bella and what this meant, if indeed it meant anything at all.

I didn't hear the knock at the door so I was shocked and unguarded when Alice ushered Bella into the room. She came in slowly and shyly, dressed casually with her hair tied back in a ponytail.

She looked fucking amazing.

I couldn't think of a coherent thing to say, but my mind was working overtime trying to process the fact that she was here, willingly, in the room with me, a few feet away.

And I was not prepared at all.

Absurdly I was obsessing over the fact that my hair was a mess, I hadn't shaved and I had my crappiest jeans and scruffiest t-shirt on. And I was barefoot.

_Christ, you've really lost the plot now Cullen._

I couldn't move; my mouth hanging slack. Alice discreetly took the kids out of the room and I distantly heard them leaving the house once again.

"Hello Edward."

She broke the silence, made the first move. She looked terrified, her voice wavering.

I finally managed to get my body to move, stood up and walked towards her. I took her hand, marveling at the way it felt.

"Isabella."

I led her to the living room and sat on the sofa, gently pulling her next to me. She looked at me expectantly and waited.

Holding her hand the entire time, my voice shaky, I told her everything. Admittedly it was in the form of 'bullet points' otherwise we would be here all fucking day, but I laid myself bare, spilling it all; good and bad.

I told her, in more detail, everything I had ever felt for her. Explaining my behaviour towards her at our various encounters and apologising for my seventeen year old fucked up self. Repeatedly.

I wondered at one point if she thought I had gone insane as she hadn't said a word since saying hello. I had no idea what the hell I was doing.

"Bella.....I want you.....I fucking _need_ you.....I think I love you....."

* * *

**After leaving Alice in the park – BPOV**

I went home, shaken, confused, excited and scared. I don't even remember the walk home. I was lost deep in thought. I tried to focus on housework and gave up.

I took a shower, wrapped myself in towels and tried to work. I couldn't concentrate and gave up, packing everything away.

All that kept running through my mind, seemingly on a constant loop, was the urge to re-establish some sort of connection with Edward. With every passing minute the feeling grew stronger.

He was a few streets away. Had been this close for some time.

Could I take a chance? I paced around pointlessly. Seizing courage from fuck knows where, I shoved on jeans, t-shirt and Nikes. Tied my hair back and brushed my teeth.

I grabbed my phone, purse and keys and set off.

Alice answered almost before I had finished knocking. Wordlessly, she led me to where Edward was playing with her kids. He looked utterly adorable, natural and.....present. He was being himself. Even dressed casually he still made my stomach flip with lust.

Alice disappeared with Emily and Alec, leaving us staring at each other and as he looked so shell shocked at my arrival, I finally broke the silence.

My voice seemed to shake him out of his daze. He stood, took my hand and after calling me by my given name, led me to a sofa in another room. We sat beside each other.

He talked incessantly for the longest time. Opening up about everything, leaving nothing out. Laid bare before me, vulnerable, no barriers.

The real Edward Cullen.

After a short pause, he swallowed nervously then said with force and absolute sincerity.

"_Bella.....I want you.....I fucking _need_ you.....I think I love you....."_

I let out a shaky breath.

"You've always had me. I'm yours....."

His control snapped and he lunged at me, pulling me into his arms and kissing me, hard. I melted into his embrace. It felt right. It was where I had always wanted to be.

Our kissing became urgent, desperate. We tore each others clothes off. Touching, grabbing, everywhere. Chests heaving with effort and arousal.

Finally naked, we barely took the time to enjoy each others body. He only paused to see if I was ready for him, thrusting his fingers inside me and groaning on discovering how wet I was.

He knelt on the floor in front of me as I sat on the sofa. His eyes locked on mine, he spread my thighs wide and pushed inside me.

"Jesus Christ Bella! Yes.....so right....."

Our fucking was frantic, this wasn't making love; it was raw need and desire. Thirteen years of pent up emotions finally finding release. Moaning and whimpering I came hard as, over and over, he slammed into me. I couldn't hold him close enough, wanted to hear his voice in my ear. The sound of his grunts, the feel of his hands pinning me down, the delicious weight of his body, his smell. It was sensory overload.

I met his thrusts, let myself fall into the feelings he evoked in me. We needed this.

"Yes! Edward.....fuck me.....yes.....hard.....please....."

His strokes became erratic; I started to touch my clit, close again. He groaned loudly, dropping his eyes to watch my hand and his cock, as he buried it deep in me.

"Fuck yes Bella. Come on my cock. I'm so close....."

Hearing the deep need in his voice sent my body into freefall and I came for the second time, his name escaping my lips on a scream.

He thrust deeply one final time and exploded inside me, letting out a guttural roar before collapsing on me.

Trembling and shaking, we waited for our breathing to return to normal then gathered up our clothes. He led me to his bedroom and we lay down together under the duvet. He wrapped himself around me and listened as I shared my story, my truths, with him.

He kissed the top of my head gently.

We spent hours exploring each others bodies; watching, stroking, caressing, kissing, licking, tasting.

Smiling, laughing, crying. Feeling, _finally_ _feeling_. Giving in to each other.

Eventually, he eased himself inside me and we made love. Slowly and sweetly. Whispering our declarations to each other as we came together.

"I don't just _think_ I love you.....I _do _love you Bella."

"I love you Edward. I need you."

**Please press review.....**

**X**


	5. Chapter 5

**_All recognised characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer_**

**_No disrespect or copyright infringement is intended_**

**3 Years Later**

**BPOV**

Things moved fast after we were reunited at Alice's.

We bypassed all the traditional dating.

Seriously, we had wasted so much time already. Couldn't and wouldn't wait any longer. Both definitely on the same page about that.

We spent our first night together locked away in his room, only coming out for the bathroom. Edward went to get us some food and drinks to find Alice had placed a packed tray outside his door.

It was bliss. Making love, talking, eating, fucking, holding, laughing, crying, loving.

The following morning, both hyped from lack of sleep, we packed up his essentials and he came home with me. I called work, claiming a family emergency and took two weeks off. Fuck, I didn't even feel guilty, thinking about the hours I had put in over the years.

After an initial few days of just being together, we started to organise our life in earnest. _Our life. Together. At last._

We bought a place together, staying in London, but on the outskirts. It was big enough so that Edward could have a music room.

In the three months it took to move in to our first home, he had to keep going back to Alice's to work, his piano being there. He didn't get a lot of writing done as he was so distracted, finding it hard to keep to organised times when he was used to writing as the ideas came to him.

I continued to work but gave less and less to my job, my heart just not in it anymore. I still worked from home a couple of days each week, but rarely got much done at these times, the strong pull towards Edward my only excuse.

I couldn't even begin to think about writing, but I did gradually share what I had done with Edward. I had never shown anyone before.

We only socialised with our families and Angela and Ben during our first year together. Edward wanted to avoid unnecessary temptation and frankly, we still wanted to spend every available minute together. We could barely keep our hands off each other and it didn't look like it would fade any time soon. _Please God._

Not long after we were finally settled in our new home, without telling anyone, we took off, alone, and married. There was no over the top, romantic proposal, just the shared desire to be linked in every way possible. We had a simple but beautiful wedding. On our return we appeased our families by holding a small party to celebrate. Their joy in our obvious happiness was palpable.

Our son, Masen, was born three months ago. His angry screams announcing his arrival in the world after a scarily short labour. We barely made it to the hospital in time, Edward nearly shitting himself as he raced us there, convinced he would have to deliver our first born in the car. The unadulterated joy on his face as he held Masen for the first time will be forever burned into my memory.

Edward became a devoted father from the moment we sat together, on the edge of the bath, and watched the pregnancy test turn positive. We hugged each other and cried, barely able to speak. He hugged my belly in wonder.

"Edward.....what do you think about me _not_ going back to work after the baby's born? I really think I'd like to be a stay at home mum....."

He looked so happy as he stood up and took my hand. He led me to the car and drove me to work. Adamant that I resign there and then.

We're not perfect but we don't take anything for granted. Try and appreciate every little thing. Talk about everything, honestly. Say what we feel, even if it's difficult. It's the only way.

We're never far from each other, even if it's just a look between us. The passion and urgency pulsing between us.

Every gesture, touch and word means so much. It very nearly slipped through our fingers.

It was a long time coming.

We were once merely existing. Barely breathing.

Now at last, _together_, we are truly living.

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**X**


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